Most couples have strain in their relationship. This is a simple, honest, straightforward fact of life. When we recognise that there is no such thing as the "perfect couple", we can breathe a sigh of relief and get on with the job of fixing/maintaining/enhancing our own relationship.
One key to a good relationship is what is known as "Active Listening". It is based on the premise that, "Communication is not over until both parties feel understood". Understood, is the key word here.
We are not saying communication is not over until both parties agree with each other. Most times, that will be an impossibility. No. We are saying that communication is enhanced tremendously when both parties feel understood by the other - even if they "agree to disagree" at the end of the communication.
How is this 'active listening' achieved? It is done through each partner reflecting back to the other what they have heard being said - or what they have perceived the other to have said.
What is to be reflected back is the facts - and also the feelings - of what was said. After the original speaker has heard them reflected back by the listener, the speaker can then 'tweak' the response to make sure the listener really did grasp the feelings and facts (or emotions and content) of what was originally communicated by the speaker.
Bear in mind, at all times, that the purpose of this exercise is not to get the listener to agree with the speaker - they probably won't! The purpose is to enable the speaker to feel understood. We all know that great feeling when we can say/feel, "At least somebody understands me!"
Let us take an example. Jim and Denise have a disagreement about the laundry. Denise: "I'm really frustrated and cross that you never undo your dirty socks but just peel them off and throw them into the laundry without unravelling them. Then I end up having to do it. I get very angry as I keep telling you and I feel upset that it makes no difference."
Jim: "You're saying that you're really upset and angry with me for not unravelling my socks?" Denise: "That's right. And also that I then end up having to do it." Jim: "And that you get fed up because you then end up doing it if I don't." Denise: "Yes, that's right. I do it in the end."
As this example shows, the end result of active listening (which is the desired effect) is that Denise feels that she is understood. Jim may not think she is right (and may selfishly not even unravel his socks again) but at least Denise feels understood - that Jim has heard her and knows how she feels about the situation.
And when active listening has been reciprocated by the other, a very good two-way means of communication is established. Both parties will then feel that they are understood. The premise of communication not being over until both parties feel understood has been satisfactorily achieved.
Note also the use of "I" messages (rather than "You" accusations) where Denise recognises and 'owns' that she feels angry, frustrated, cross and upset (regardless what Jim - or anybody else - has done to cause that). An "I" message is an acknowledgment that ultimately we have to be responsible for our own feelings and actions, regardless what anyone else has done to precipitate them.
And if Denise had just let rip at Jim with a "You" accusation, "You make me so upset because you never unravel your damn socks," then he would, almost certainly, just get defensive. That wouldn't be surprising - would any of us be different? Most likely he would just respond negatively and the argument would escalate.
'Active listening' and "I" messages? Does it sound like a load of old rubbish? Then why don't you try and prove it to yourself? Practice it on your partner and see if it works. Reflect back to them what is being said and felt. You're not being a parrot. Rather, you are genuinely trying to make sure your partner feels that you understand them by reflecting back the emotions and content of what they have said.
And what if it all goes wrong and strife does break out? It is still not to late to bring in the skills of 'active listening' and "I" messages. After tempers have had chance to cool, it is still possible to pick up the pieces, make amends and let your partner feel understood. And they will appreciate that.
So enjoy. And practice. And practice again. And let some of the strain, anger and tension in your relationship diminish. And after you have used it with your partner, then practice on the kids, the boss, the mother-in-law, the next door neighbour - in fact anyone whom you'd like to improve communication with!
One key to a good relationship is what is known as "Active Listening". It is based on the premise that, "Communication is not over until both parties feel understood". Understood, is the key word here.
We are not saying communication is not over until both parties agree with each other. Most times, that will be an impossibility. No. We are saying that communication is enhanced tremendously when both parties feel understood by the other - even if they "agree to disagree" at the end of the communication.
How is this 'active listening' achieved? It is done through each partner reflecting back to the other what they have heard being said - or what they have perceived the other to have said.
What is to be reflected back is the facts - and also the feelings - of what was said. After the original speaker has heard them reflected back by the listener, the speaker can then 'tweak' the response to make sure the listener really did grasp the feelings and facts (or emotions and content) of what was originally communicated by the speaker.
Bear in mind, at all times, that the purpose of this exercise is not to get the listener to agree with the speaker - they probably won't! The purpose is to enable the speaker to feel understood. We all know that great feeling when we can say/feel, "At least somebody understands me!"
Let us take an example. Jim and Denise have a disagreement about the laundry. Denise: "I'm really frustrated and cross that you never undo your dirty socks but just peel them off and throw them into the laundry without unravelling them. Then I end up having to do it. I get very angry as I keep telling you and I feel upset that it makes no difference."
Jim: "You're saying that you're really upset and angry with me for not unravelling my socks?" Denise: "That's right. And also that I then end up having to do it." Jim: "And that you get fed up because you then end up doing it if I don't." Denise: "Yes, that's right. I do it in the end."
As this example shows, the end result of active listening (which is the desired effect) is that Denise feels that she is understood. Jim may not think she is right (and may selfishly not even unravel his socks again) but at least Denise feels understood - that Jim has heard her and knows how she feels about the situation.
And when active listening has been reciprocated by the other, a very good two-way means of communication is established. Both parties will then feel that they are understood. The premise of communication not being over until both parties feel understood has been satisfactorily achieved.
Note also the use of "I" messages (rather than "You" accusations) where Denise recognises and 'owns' that she feels angry, frustrated, cross and upset (regardless what Jim - or anybody else - has done to cause that). An "I" message is an acknowledgment that ultimately we have to be responsible for our own feelings and actions, regardless what anyone else has done to precipitate them.
And if Denise had just let rip at Jim with a "You" accusation, "You make me so upset because you never unravel your damn socks," then he would, almost certainly, just get defensive. That wouldn't be surprising - would any of us be different? Most likely he would just respond negatively and the argument would escalate.
'Active listening' and "I" messages? Does it sound like a load of old rubbish? Then why don't you try and prove it to yourself? Practice it on your partner and see if it works. Reflect back to them what is being said and felt. You're not being a parrot. Rather, you are genuinely trying to make sure your partner feels that you understand them by reflecting back the emotions and content of what they have said.
And what if it all goes wrong and strife does break out? It is still not to late to bring in the skills of 'active listening' and "I" messages. After tempers have had chance to cool, it is still possible to pick up the pieces, make amends and let your partner feel understood. And they will appreciate that.
So enjoy. And practice. And practice again. And let some of the strain, anger and tension in your relationship diminish. And after you have used it with your partner, then practice on the kids, the boss, the mother-in-law, the next door neighbour - in fact anyone whom you'd like to improve communication with!
About the Author:
The author, David Woodward, is a qualified, experienced counsellor in Kettering, Northants.UK. He provides marriage guidance in Kettering, and gives the first consultation for FREE to enable couples to judge whether counselling with him would be helpful for them. David also contributes to the local community with his voluntary work.
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